well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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