The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hippo gnu deer
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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