Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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