I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize