Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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