I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
