You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
