The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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