o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
