I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
