so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
