When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
