sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
