Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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