know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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