Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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