he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
