i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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