I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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