If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
