I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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