Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
