On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
