FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
