You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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