I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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