I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
