I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
