If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
