so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
