I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
