new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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