Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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