you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love you. Go after that dick
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
