I faked an abortion last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
