he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
