this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
When did angry sex become our thing?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
