So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
