i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
