literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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