dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
