what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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