I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
