You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
