Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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