TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize