her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
