After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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