haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
