Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
