overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
