there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
