just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
