I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
