new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
